Why Fixing Insomnia Isn't a Math Problem: A Conversation Between a Therapist and Patient. Part 1.

The office was quiet except for the low hum of the air purifier. Anna sat curled in the chair across from me, her hands wrapped around a mug of lukewarm tea. She hadn’t touched it in ten minutes.

Anna: “I’m just so tired all the time. I can barely focus at work. But then I get home, crawl into bed, and… nothing. My brain just won’t shut off. I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep. It doesn’t make sense.”

Therapist: “That actually makes a lot of sense, Anna. What you’re describing is the difference between being tired and being sleepy.”

She looked up, frowning.

Anna: “Aren’t those the same thing?”

Therapist: “Not really. Tiredness is about energy—you feel drained, like your batteries are low. Sleepiness is different. It’s your brain’s biological drive to fall asleep, the pull that makes your eyelids heavy and your head nod off if you stay still long enough. With insomnia, people are often very tired but not truly sleepy. Their bodies are worn out, but their brains stay switched on.”

Anna nodded slowly. “That’s me. Completely drained, but the second I hit the pillow, my mind feels wide awake.”

The Temptation of Quick Fixes

Therapist: “And when that happens—when you’re drained but wide awake—it’s natural to start looking for quick fixes. Sleeping pills, melatonin, or the latest gadget that promises to help.”

Anna: “I tried a sleep tracker for weeks. Every morning I’d scroll through the charts and numbers. I had so much data—REM, deep sleep, heart rate—but it didn’t help me figure out why I couldn’t sleep. If anything, I felt more confused.”

I nodded. “That makes sense. The data might look scientific, but it rarely tells the whole story. And for many people with insomnia, tracking creates a new layer of stress. Instead of letting sleep happen, you end up analyzing it—like trying to solve a math problem with too many unknowns. The harder you chase it, the more it slips away.”

Anna: “That’s exactly how it felt. Like I was failing the test every night, no matter what the numbers said.”

Therapist: “Some tools can be useful—like a sound machine to block noise, or a light lamp if your body clock is off. But they can’t fix insomnia on their own. And if a gadget makes you feel more anxious or dependent, it’s usually doing more harm than good.”

Anna sighed. “I thought I was helping myself, but I was just giving myself more to stress about.”

Sleep as a Relationship

Anna rubbed her temples. “So if all that data can’t solve it, and the gadgets can’t fix it… then what am I supposed to do? Am I just stuck like this?”

Therapist: “Not stuck. But it does mean looking at sleep differently. Instead of treating it like a problem to solve, think of it like a relationship to rebuild.”

She tilted her head. “A relationship? With sleep?”

Therapist: “Exactly. Right now, you and sleep are at odds. You climb into bed every night bracing for a fight—checking the time, worrying about tomorrow, demanding that sleep show up. That pressure keeps your brain too alert to rest. What helps is learning to approach sleep with trust, patience, and gentleness.”

Anna gave a half-laugh. “That sounds so backwards. I’ve been trying harder and harder every night, and you’re telling me I need to… not try?”

Therapist: “That’s the paradox. The more you chase sleep, the more it runs. But when you create space for it, when you stop measuring and demanding, sleep often drifts back on its own. Just like in a relationship—if you’re constantly checking up, analyzing, or forcing closeness, it pushes the other person away. But when you give trust and space, connection returns.”

Anna stared at the floor, thoughtful. “I’ve definitely been picking a fight with sleep. Maybe it’s time to call a truce.”

What Actually Helps

Anna leaned back in the chair, a trace of doubt on her face. “So if I stop fighting sleep… then what? Do I just wait around and hope it comes back?”

Therapist: “Not quite. There are things you can do to help your brain and body remember how to sleep naturally. The most effective approach is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia—CBT-i for short. It’s the gold standard because it works with your habits, your thoughts, and your biology.”

Anna: “Therapy for sleep? I thought therapy was just for stress or trauma.”

Therapist: “CBT-i is different. It’s not about talking endlessly—it’s practical. For example, it helps retrain your brain to associate your bed with sleep again. Right now, your bed has become a battleground, a place where you lie awake, worry, and analyze. That teaches your brain that bed = stress. CBT-i reverses that.”

Anna: “How?”

Therapist: “Simple but powerful steps. Like only using your bed for sleep and intimacy. Or getting out of bed if you’ve been awake for more than twenty minutes, and only returning once you’re sleepy. Keeping a consistent wake-up time, no matter how your night went. Even something as small as turning your clock away so you’re not watching the minutes tick by.”

Anna gave a shaky laugh. “I’ve definitely been guilty of clock-watching. I’ll lie there at 2:47, then 3:21, then 4:05, calculating how little sleep I’ll get before my alarm.”

Therapist: “That’s called sleep performance anxiety. You’re not alone—it’s incredibly common. But when you step out of that cycle, when you give your brain permission to stop checking and measuring, you make room for natural sleepiness to show up.”

Anna looked unconvinced. “But what if I’m just awake all night?”

Therapist: “That’s where acceptance comes in. Another approach, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy—or ACT—helps people sit with the discomfort of insomnia instead of fighting it. The paradox is that when you stop struggling against wakefulness, your anxiety lowers, and that’s when sleep finally has a chance to return.”

A Different Way Forward

Anna folded her arms, still skeptical. “So there’s no magic pill. No gadget that fixes everything. Just… rules about when to get out of bed and when not to check the clock?”

Therapist: “Not rules—more like gentle guidelines. They’re there to help you step out of the cycle of pressure and give sleep the space it needs. Think of it less as fixing sleep and more as creating conditions where it can return naturally.”

Anna: “So basically… consistency, patience, and letting go.”

Therapist: “Exactly. Think about it like tending a garden. You can’t tug on the plants to make them grow faster. You prepare the soil, water it, give it sunlight. Then you wait, trusting that growth happens on its own. Sleep is the same. You don’t force it—you create the right environment, and it comes.”

Anna’s face softened, the tension in her shoulders easing just slightly. “That’s so different from what I’ve been doing. I’ve been in full-on crisis mode every night, like if I don’t figure it out right then, I’ll never sleep again.”

Therapist: “That panic is what fuels the insomnia. The shift we’re working toward is moving from control to trust. Your body hasn’t forgotten how to sleep—it just needs a chance to remember.”

Anna cradled her mug, finally taking a sip. “It’s strange, but comforting. I don’t have to force it—I just have to step out of the way.”

I smiled. “That’s the beginning of a different relationship with sleep.”

The session was winding down, and Anna set her empty mug on the side table.

Anna: “It feels lighter somehow—just knowing I don’t have to keep fighting. Maybe I can stop treating sleep like an enemy.”

Therapist: “That’s exactly the shift we’re aiming for. You don’t need to force or fix sleep. Your body is already wired for it. Our work is about clearing the obstacles—fear, pressure, habits—that are getting in the way.”

Anna pulled her sweater tighter, a small smile forming. “So maybe I can trust that sleep isn’t gone. It’s just waiting for me to stop chasing it.”

Therapist: “Yes. And with time, patience, and a few practical tools, that trust can grow again. That’s the path forward.”

The clock ticked softly in the corner, unnoticed by both of us. For once, Anna wasn’t watching it.

✨ If you see yourself in Anna’s story, keep exploring the other articles here on sleep and insomnia. And if you’d like more personalized support, consider booking a free consultation—I’d be glad to walk with you as you rebuild trust with your sleep.